i want to write ...but i cant... why cant we have the things we want...and get stuck with things we dont...vaffanculo ...as my very fat italian friend wud say...complete with hand gestures.... well heres my hand gesture...nlnn...go figure

Watching, waiting, commiserating...

i remember waiting for you to come... sitting there...breathing...alone...its become a drug for me...loneliness...its peaceful...it doesn't give me pleasure..nor does it give me pain..its just there...like a shadow...like a good friend...not intruding...letting me be myself...letting me be with my thoughts...about who i was...who i am now..who i will be in the future...i will be me...but a different me...there have been many "me"s...there will be more...come to think of it, we are all very fluid...that is a saving grace

cant remember the last time i enjoyed a sustained feeling of happiness...bliss..that peaceful glow... suddenly struck me today...dont really slow down these days..there is always something on my mind... it sort of got me down... this is not what i wanted to change in myself...i always thought myself to be a romantic...guess things dont work out the way you want them to...

So ...i went back to the"wonder years"...thank god for the small pleasures of life...

"once upon a time, there was a girl i knew who lived across the street. brown hair, brown eyes.When she smiled , i smiled. when she cried, i cried. every single thing that ever happened to me,that mattered,in some way, had to do with her. That day, winnie and i promised each other that no matter what, we wouldd always be together. it was a promise full of passion, truth, wisdom. it was the kind of promise that could only come from the hearts of the very young."

peace out

They were walking down the quiet dark road. He would walk her to her home. And then would say farewell. That was the plan. However, like it had happened before, he was about to be surprised. There are plans. And then there are plans.

They were walking quietly. Each of them knew what the other would say. He wanted to grab her, pull him toward him, look into to her eyes, and kiss her under the sky. Forever.

“What’s wrong? Do you want to say something?”, she asked him.

This was his chance. He could have her. Now. This moment.

“No. I have nothing to say. Nothing new I mean. “

And they walked on. Till they came to her house. She turned to go. And then turned back. Looking beautiful as always.

“Do you want to walk some more?”, she asked him.

He could not say yes quickly enough. She gave him a smile. A smile into which he thought he could read something. But he had been wrong before. He was just happy that he had a few more moments to spare with her before she went back to her house. Before this day, this moment was over. He wanted to make it last for as long as he could. They started walking again.

And then it started raining. The moment compelled it. The clouds opened up on cue. He had an umbrella which he opened. And she came under it. He could smell her. It was her smell. A smell he knew so well. A smell that meant her. He breathed in deeply, savoring it.

He looked at her, carefully, longingly. He wanted to say so much to her. He could not. He thought he was made of sterner stuff. But one look from her made him weak. They kept on walking. And then she held his arm. For no reason. Held it tightly. Held it as if to say that everything was going to be alright. She was there by his side. Everything would be fine. I am here.

And he told her.

He stopped walking. She stopped to and looked at him with those eyes. He could drown in them. Die a thousand deaths for those eyes. Just to look into those eyes. Kiss those lips. Run his fingers through her hair. He turned to her and looked deep in to her eyes. And he knew what her answer would be.

The rain poured down on them. Splattering their feet. Blowing on their faces. It was as if the world had come to a stop. He wished this moment be frozen for all eternity. Nothing more. The streets were empty. Only the sound of rain falling on the streets. Rain falling on the umbrella. Rain on her brow. Rain on her lashes. Rain on her lips. Rain on her feet.

“I love you”, he said, “I love you”.

And it rained.

i miss home terribly these days...never thought i would...but i guess i am human after all...life is pretty good now...but i miss the way things used to be...a much simpler time...sometimes friends do give me a lift...like randomly stating that they miss me...always puts a smile on my face...also makes me miss them more...miss my hometown...it hurts being away...

its been different ...for the past few days...everrything has sort of slowed down... life was on fast forward for me during the past few months...have to get used to this pace now... clarity... but things dont seem very clear ... its still a blur....im still confused about things...as always...maybe im on this constant self-pity trip...have to break out of it... life isnt bad.... its all good...as always... have to do this more often..now back to work...

Hopelist

i hope...everyday...every night...and all the time in between...i hope to succeed...i hope to prosper...i hope to live...i hope for happiness...i hope for a car...i hope for someone...i hope for change...i hope for tomorrow...i hope for now...i hope for excellence...i hope for blue skies...i hope for good weather...i hope for good company...i hope for good times...i hope to collide...i hope to get my work done...i hope to sing in the rain...i hope to dance in the sun...i hope to run on green fields...i hope to be carefree...i hope to be ruthless...i hope to be kind...i hope i can make it....i hope for greatness...i hope for maybe....i hope for neveragain...i hope for me...i hope i dont anger too many people....if i do, i hope i dont care....i hope to dare...i hope for courage...i hope for a thick skin...i hope for a good life...i hope for hope...