winter mornings...aren't they wonderful...waking up...under a blanket ...looking for something warm to wear before getting out of bed...brushing your teeth...cold water in your mouth...giving you brainfreeze...every exercise in hygiene in winter seems to be a challenge...fighting through the pain...to emerge victorious...covered in glory...and in goosebumps...as you come out of the warzone which is your bathroom...teeth chattering like castanets...struggling to put on your clothes...finally doing it...yes!!!!...i am warm again...winter always reminds me of school...we had a very smart minter uniform...a black blazer....with grey trousers....but that was from class 8...till class 7,we had to wear shorts...and when the wind blew against us....into us..up our legs.......brrrrrrr....torture i say....waking up early in the morning...getting ready...venturing forth...with tears streaming down my eyes ...from the cold...all this trouble just to get to school...i miss all that...now i can lie in bed till quite late in the morning ...fighting the chill...taking a bath when the temperature is a bit reasonable....but doesnt feel the same....miss those days of warfare against the weather...

fun bobby

i am quite entertaining when i am drunk..intoxicated...to others and myself...i speak differently...not talkin abt slurring...i think differently...i walk differently(totter around)...i lose my inhibitions...the few that i have...i become very romantic when i am drunk...damn im drunk now...just want to type...the stacatto of the keyboard is very soothing...solid...assuring...definite...very real...my gaaaaaaawwwwwwdddddd.... this is real crap...but i am enjoying myself...guess shes back in the atmosphere...with drops of jupiter in her hair...why drops of jupiter...but its beautiful...wonderful song...wonderful girl...long hair....large eyes....wonderful smile...ohh i love her....so much...i miss her now...every moment she's away...aint no sunshine...here comes the sun??...ya...tomorrow...maybe...we'll find a way...home..to her heart...im there..i think...i know...killer queen...where were you when i was getting low...im getting high ...these days...under my skin...in me...with me...acts like summer and talks like rain...she did fall from a shooting star......thank god for accidents....thank god for this one...

viewpoint

its all about perspective...different views...each of us will view a situation or an incident in different ways...i find it very surprising....like today...i didnt play football...no big deal...for me aleast...specially when there was quite a good reason not to play...but apparently i had made a huge sacrifice...not playin ...still dont get it...i think she felt worse than i felt...actually i didnt feel bad at all...felt wonderful...spent the evening with her for a change...talkin..lyin next to each other...she fell asleep suddenly....peacefully...with a shadow of a smile...her long hair lying open...on the pillow...next to me...i could have lost myself ....maybe i did...subliminal in an unnoticeable way...it was beautiful...wonderful...peaceful...then she woke up...smiled at me...scolded me for letting her sleep...eyes flashing...lips moving...so alive...throbbing...thank god i didnt play football

?????

lookin out my window..........quite late at night....jobless as usual..waitin for the bells to ring...a siren's call...beckoning me....to my doom...salvation....from what...my destroyer ...my saviour....ashes to ashes....its all good...said that after a long time...no clue why...clueless about a lot of things...studies...job...football skills...grass...booze...manchester united...not clueless....worried...what gift should i buy....what should i say...do...think...worried about life...not much of a life....fucking driftwood....still havent seen her dancing in the sand....who did she eventually marry....you are home...penny lane.... what a woman...no wonder she isnt real....chauvinist pig....cant help it....just typing .....dont know whats spewing forth....as usual...actually no....this is fun...painful....boring....invigorating....damn im confused.....and dazed....since ive been loving you....anyway im back....heres to everything in general....and nothing in particular...

FREEDOM

a friend of mine and i were discussing my blog...i told her that i dont have anything to write about..whatever i have written had come out of me due to a period of tremendous emotional upheaval...now that everything has gone back to a certain rhythm....i cant write anything...she just said the most amazing thing then...dont stop writing...if you have nothing to write about,write about nothing....how can i write about nothing...there has to be a subject....it reflects the kind of people we have become...subjective....we need something definite to make sense of the world....definition defines us...but why do we need to be defined at all...why cant it all be very fluid...maybe definition gives us asense of security....we are comfortable that way...but why....we define feelings....we define relationships....we define success...we define failure....we define our lives....why....do we need to...shouldnt we be feeling suffocated....why cant we be undefined....fluid....always changing....everything relative...wouldnt it be better that way....we neednt live our lives guided by well defined norms....wouldnt we actually be free then...we are lost souls...swimming in a fishbowl of definitiveness...why dont we try and break out....try and do something that cannot be defined....cannot be labelled....why dont we try and break free?? why do we not yearn for freedom???

CHOOSE LIFE

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit- crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that

RAINY DAY

it has rained all day today ..streets are waterlogged..the city is a mess.
but the day had alot of potential...u can spend a day like this in so many ways...sitting beside an open window...rain spraying on you...watching the world go by..watching the clouds change shape...watchin the birds tryin to take shelter from the rain in trees...a steaming mug of coffee .... a good book...good friends...good conversations...lazy conversations...smoke swirling out...melancholy wisps of smoke...floating away...like time...drifting away...beyond our mortal remembrance...memories of a day gone by...a day like this...waving a girl goodbye...from the middle of a street...her car driving off...me waving to her...didnt kno things would change when i would see her the next time...there was soo much hope that day...hope shattered later on...dreams crumbling...like waking up from a dream which you never wanted to end...moving on...similar days happening every year,rain and clouds...but still not quite the same...lookin across to the other side of the waterlogged street...stolen glances...stolen memories...a stolen smile....someone stealing a beat of your heart...maybe stealing much more...maybe stealing nothing at all...building castles....not castles...something smaller maybe...we were young once...we are young now...just doesnt feel the same anymore...we are tempered now...i cant explain...those days,wasnt this cynical...it has set in now...age and cynicism...they go hand in hand...life makes you lose faith in many things...the butterflies arent there anymore...maybe they r but not as active as they were once...maybe we dont fear the unknown anymore...maybe we have seen all there is to be seen...maybe we dont want to see anything new anymore...when we were young,when things were simple...we yearned for complexities...now that we have more than our fair share...we dont want it..i dont want it...i yearn for simplicity ....i miss simplicity...the innocence....the simple wonders...we used to look on wide eyed...havent been that way for a long time...the man who would be king...the boy who would be king...i was once that boy...all of us were...we wanted it all...thought we would get it all...we were the princes of the universe...just got lost somewhere on the road to our kingdom...still wandering around,clinging on to the last shred of hope...maybe we shall discover el dorado...someday...surely...maybe...what happened to us...it wasnt to be this way,was it..we were quitely confident...something happened on the way...dont know...dont want to find out...where did i go wrong...or was it all wrong...from the very outset...faith no more...we had a chance...i had a chance...once...did i lose it...did i lose my way...did i lose much more...did i lose anything at all.......lost friends,lost enemies,lost bets,lost our minds,lost ourselves in someone,lost someone....but did we really lose anything at all??

ORISSA-THE LOST FOOTSTEPS

wyrd header for a blog ,isnt it?? there are reasons. let me explain.
monsoons are here;rained last night,rained all day today!! a lot of rain,a looooootttttt!!! was plannin to saty home... but no!!fate had other things in store for me...in the shape of an oriya... my friend called me.. asked me to come over to athes place..said water was just "ankle high"!! me,being the trusting soul that i am, went over...only when got their,i realized that oriya anatomy is very different from human anatomy...apparently they have ankles where we have our waists....yes!!! thats how high the water reached... waist deep!!!!!!!!
and i am not quite short...so it was a lot of water...debanjan apparently was submerged..walkin with his hands in the air ... to protect his umbrella and wallet..poor guy... srin and bob almost did drown...all for the lies and the treacheries of an oriya...!! i really wanted to kill him...i was so angry..but we rastafarians cannot sustain our anger for a prolonged period of time...so it was back to 29 and other things...my jeans being soaked,i had to change into something dry..it was srins shorts for me...and they were very loose...dont kno how i managed... debanjan had a tarzan-meets-boyscout look, with his shorts and a leopard print belt or scarf around his waist...and kenneth...dear kenneth...he had a patiala..wat a sight...he got the laughs...athe got the pics... and then back home the same way..we got freaked on the way back..saw some wires...and then some flashes...thought we were goin to die..i was preparin to say the goodbyes...then realized it was athe clickin pics from her terrace...wat a fright she gave us...but it was good... we did lose our footsteps in the water...but we also lost our gloominess in laughter...it was all good...it always is...it always is...

RIDING IN THE RAIN

u have days wen simple things get u high?? i had one today. had gone too pinus place.got there and realized that we didnt have very important ingredient for a relaxed evening. so had to go out and get it.
we decided to ride cycles. it was a cloudy day today.with a light drizzle. ohh!! wat a ride!! singing and cyclin in the rain,with a friend!! suddenly realized that it doesnt get better than this... these are the times we will remember...not the nights spent at nightclubs or pubs,partyin...but evenings wid frnds at someones house, maybe nites wid frnds,days wid frnds,cycle rides wid frnds, sittin down later wid cards and warm food later,while it is rainin outside.... wonderful!!! even though i got needled all evenin...it was fun..good fun!! THESE ARE THE DAYS!!

WHAT KIND OF DAY??

what kind of a day was it for me??...tiring ,i might say...got abt 4 hours of sleep last night..woke at 5:30 am...had an exam from 7..till 12. that was tiring...then came back...said goodbye to a friend in the afternoon... then went off to drop some notes...then at around 5,bid farewell to yet another friend..damn!! went to pinus place after that ...to watch the tapes of the play..it was awesome... saw myself acting for the first time..wasnt bad...then have come back home...gotta get down to studies...awwwww shit!!!!


so, what kind of day was it??? tiring...sleepy...gloomy(there were clouds,you see)...sad..joyous....hmmm ..let me see... it was a COMPLETE DAY....ya,that sounds quite nice..A COMPLETE DAY!!!

ITS A LONG GOODBYE!!

shits happening with me. sad shit. a lot of it. my friends are leaving . most of them.actually almost all of my old friends are leaving. and i am sad. bob is leaving tomoro .USA . for 2 years. soumitri is leaving tomoro for delhi. sayanto is leaving for chennai.shayeri is leavin for bangalore.kenneth,dear pinu, is leavin next month.and he broke this news to me today.it was the last nail in my coffin.oh,and uma is leaving too,for hyderabad. and a few friends are already out of the city or the country. DAMN!!
do u blame me for being so down in the dumps?? i want to seal my mouth shut;i dont want the goodbyes pouring out of it. i want to chop my arms off;so i wont be able to hug my friends when the time comes to part ways!! i want to gouge my eyes out;so i wont be able to see them leave. i want to break my legs;so i wont be able to walk away from them. will this stop them from going? i dont think so. i dont want to stop them;BUT i wanna stop them. i dont kno . i am a mess
thank god for the new friends i have made.u kno who u r. tough days ahead fr u guys.
i dont kno wat to do. i dont even kno wat it is the point of this blog. does this ease the pain and suffering?? man,i am a wreck. and nothing in the universe can cheer me up. i kno it for a fact. friends are leaving.... i wil too;one day surely... and then wat??? wen shall we meet?? shall we ever?? too fatalistic?? i dont think so. i am feeling so empty rite now. my head is buzzing,my eyes are burning,my stomach is churning.... i am feeling so alone rite now!!! rite now,i am very lonely!! music is not helping....for the first time in my life,its not working. rite now,music is so detrimental...aaaaarrrghh!!!!!

dont kno wat to do...dont kno wat to say...except.......GOODBYE......

BACKSTAGE BACKSTAGE!!

ya ya i am still stuck up the play. got a lot to say.bob pointed out a very glaring flaw in my posts.i hardly mentioned the bacstage crew.it is a serious error.dont know how i could have not mentioned yhem.especially soumitrti ,bob and mirna. bloody hell,they slogged and slogged day and night for the play.stitching,pasting,stapling,folding,cutting.... they stayed up nights at athenas place while we actors were happily snoozing away.mindblowing...hats and everything off to you guys. subhayans costume..a masterpiece..so too diyasrees and kenneths and the 3 witches and everyone. and special thanks to arundhuti for my sparkling belt...that belt is what made tomjohn work.believe me!! these guys were there throughout ,and so was ranja. i will never forget ranja..she is the first to apply makeup on me.oh my god it was a traumatizing experience...the gooey foundation which went dry afterwards,the eyeliner,application of which almost resulted in blindness for me.and how could i forget the various shades of lipstick..brown,then red,and......pink too!!!my gaaawdd!!but it was all good.it was all worth it.thank you ,you guys,we couldnt have done it without you.no way!!!

IT HAS BEEN AN HONOUR!!

so ,the hurly burly is done,the battles lost and won...we did it!!! the play ..we pulled it off..it was a success..we forgot lines..forgot cues...movements..but we got the laughs!!! we did it! all the hard work paid off in a big way. all those 4 pm to 9 pm sessions,where we spent half the time monkeying around..with the director ranting away and making all of us sit in a circle and lecturing us...we are actors..we are the opposites of people..we are travellers!!!(oh!!the intellectual masturbation). The agony and the ecstacy...of learning ur lines and movements...and forgetting them..and rehearsals going perfectly on some days and disastrously on others. getting the emotions just right..and then forgetting them the next minute. getting stuck with saying a line in a way it is not supposed to be said and not getting it right after innumerable tries..and then suddenly getting it!!these small moments of ecstacy. and then yesterday happened.it started RAINING!!!we had to take the props and everything to the theatre in the rain!! then the starting time of the show was pushed back by half an hour! and then rang out the third bell...curtains up!!i was hyperventilating...my hands were shaking..but it went well!! and so did the whole play..it was a rush..acting and then rushing down for change of costumes and makeup and rushing back up and taking a few hurried puffs of cigarettes in between..but it all went off perfectly...and then after a couple of hours..scene 23!!the last scene.when jogu said her line...when shall we three meet again?...i felt all the air rushing out of my lungs..now it was well and truly over..wat with me skipping a line ,jijo covering up,jijo cutting in too quickly,mo saying "road" instead of "river",subhayan taking an eternity to deliver a particular dialogue..all of us frozen on stage...kenneth and srin happily forgetting their lines and staring at each other for assistance...athena mumbling a line...shatra running off before i could finish my lines..me carrying on all the same...ohhhhh!!!! but we pulled it off!! hats off to the backstage especially bob and soumitri and mirna..they worked their asses off..stayed up nights and all. and then we paaaaarrtiieedd!!we drank and smoked and we danced!! tiny dancer!!! lay me down in sheets of linen...u had a busy day today!! srin and i beted out an impromptu duet!!! and dancing with athena!u can dance,girl!!whoa!! and finally crashing out for the night!! on the floor!! we had fun?u bet we did. however this IS the END!!jogu is leaving tomorrow!!diyasree and soumitri are leaving quite soon. all the other guys i will meet!!hope so!! ya we will. it was great fun while it lasted. all i can say now to all u wonderful people.....IT WAS AN HONOUR!!!!!

SCREAMS!ALARUMS!!

So,this is my first blog!! no clue wat to do. i will just go ahead and type randomly.
today is a very important day for me.its the day of my stage debut.oh, i am actin in a play my friend is directing.never thought of myself as an actor.but guess i am one now. it all started abut 2 months ago.the auditions and the rehearsals.it was a subhayans place, a brilliant actor and a brilliant friend.i remember subhayan ,in his own house,comin for auditions,all spick and span,hair gelled and styled,the true star from day one. i was a nervous wreck then too.then the floodgates opened,and people i didnt know were pourin in,everyone knew each other except i.Kenneth,(who i kno),athena ,srin,jogu ,diyasree. all of them brilliant actors.However,as days passed,i felt i had known them for a long time. Azeem,i have forgotten to mention azeem,the azman. and pablo,and jijo.all of us were just thrown together and were expected too pull off a play.dont know wat debanjan was thinking.maybe he wasnt.
anyway,time has just flown passed,flossy has been there with us,always hovering in the background,and here we are.D-DAY is upon us.maybe we will rock it.maybe we will mess up.watever,all of us r in this together.we have had our ups and downs.we had one yesterday.i remember a certain girl sitting in the middle of the stage,taking off her boots,and telling me,"all of you,fuck off!!". OUCH!! That hurt!!but we have sorted it out.another memorable(!!) experience- athena and srin wailin out halleluah,with lot of feeling.and thats about it.After the play, most of us are going in very different directions.diyasree,jogu,soumitri are goin away to delhi.subhayan,my duke,is goin away too.kenneth will be busy with his studies,and soon,with his job.debanjan will leave town too.athena,srin ,azeem,jijo ,pablo will all be here,busy with their own lives.maybe i will be busy too.hope so.we definitely wont be hanging around like we r now. i will miss them all.i will miss the stupid ,mindless fun we have.SHOTGUN cigarettes!! SGOTGUN 29!! SHOTGUN azeem!!(i dont kno why!!!). the wrestling contests,the armwrestling contests,singing tiny dancer (very badly) and wooing jogu,srin,and athena!! Sorry if i ever crossed the line.hope i didnt.if i did,i didnt mean to.u guys are just too good.
i can go on today.i am all "sappy" about all of you. Will miss u all .a lot.hope we keep in touch.really do.

HOPE YOU HAD THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE!!!! I SURE DID!!